A few weeks ago good friends of ours announced that they were getting a divorce. This news hit me hard. We’ve known them for years, and they seemed happy… This prompted me to ask my husband about his thoughts about their divorce. “Marriage is about acceptance, not compromise,” Mike simply stated. “Compromise leads to giving in; consequently, negative feelings begin. Resentment grows until someone breaks.”
Hold that thought.
There are conflicting ideas about divorce and married couples dealing with autistic children. When our boys were first diagnosed eight years ago, I read an article on that topic. It seemed that the divorce rate was about 52% if there was one autistic child in the family. That rate rose to about 90% if there were two autistic children. I stopped reading before I saw the divorce rate for a family with three or more autistic children. I did not want to know. At that time we had three autistic boys.
Back to that thought.
About five months ago a situation presented itself that would change our boys’ daily schedule. After much discussion, I could see advantages and disadvantages to this new situation. I totally respected my husband’s insight. I did not completely agree with him, but I was willing to try.
Compromise or acceptance? Not sure yet.
That new situation is now over, but not without some weariness along the way. WHEW. Upon reflection, one of our autistic sons is thriving in a way that I could not imagine. Nick has connected socially with more people, and that is not bad for him. Had we kept to our original schedule, he would not have developed these skills as quickly. There were definitely negative aspects, but I think that these social skills will outweigh any negativity in the long run.
I have to admit that I had compromised. Could I have ever accepted that new situation? I don’t know. At this point, I don’t think it matters. What does matter is that Mike and I were able to respect each other in our differing opinions, recognize when we (really, when I) needed space, and listen when we needed to talk. Sometimes we missed cues about each other during the last five months. We’re not perfect. However, we are in this together. We have accepted that, and we are looking forward to the new opportunities for the boys.
In a way, I can equate acceptance with love.
photo credit:apdk
sherylscript 