teens with autism – Page 3

It’s Japanese To Me

Ryan and Jennifer, his Japanese teacher

For so many years I have had to figure out how to teach “normal” tasks to my boys. My boys can do most of the normal chores expected from teenagers now. As they have mastered tasks, of course, new goals are set. To make life easier for me, I’ve encouraged the boys to pursue interests or classes that I had some background or experience. Therefore, I could help them if necessary. As the boys grow up, they are expanding their horizons, beyond MY comfort zone. I can’t help them, and that is a good thing.

Ryan has developed an interest in Japanese. His interest has grown to include many aspects of Japanese culture. I find myself listening to Japanese music. I dodge a swinging katana, a traditional Japanese sword, if I enter Ryan’s room. He’s taken lessons to learn to speak the language. He’s totally independent of me in this endeavor. I can’t help him figure out anything if he’s confused. So he has to think for himself. Not a bad thing by any means. But I have to stop myself from trying to help him. So many years of MY programming as a mom with special needs kids have to be undone, or re-programmed.

My role of MOM continues to change as these young men with autism continue to progress toward independent life!

I Hate Report Cards

Looking at my youngest son’s grades, I am amazed at how my attitude toward grades has changed.

I relied on those trusty A’s and B’s with my oldest son. Throughout elementary and junior high, Michael brought home As sprinkled with Bs. Then came high school. My son went from Valedictorian to schlep, a GPA from 4.3 to 1.78 roughly. He got lazy, but I still demanded A’s and B’s from him, which he slowly produced. I thought that as long as As and Bs came home, my son was learning and progressing as he should.

Not true, but I would not learn that until he was out of school. I’d learn with my special needs kids years later.

“Do you want competitive grades or not?” asked the school psychologist. I didn’t understand the difference. The explanation equated to competitive grades are comparable to classmates on the same grading scale. Otherwise, the teachers would give a grade based on the skill of my child. Still not sure I understood the difference because there was no definition of what would that grading scale be?

Then there was the idea that report cards could hurt the self esteem of kids, so the school changed the grading scale from letter grades to number. A “1” was low, and a “4” was high. So kids just made a chart that 1 = F up to 4 = A. Yeah, that solved the self esteem issue. NOT. My kids knew they didn’t want 1s.

I learned to ignore the grades eventually as I was more interested in what my kids could tell me. I wanted my kids to learn. We soon found that my sons could remember facts and stories from years prior as they told us these. I realized that my sons could not relay information in the format that teachers wanted, expected, or accepted. Hence, report cards and grades did not indicate their true mastery of skills and knowledge.

I take report cards now as one simple indicator of how my sons are doing. Standardized tests take even a lower priority.

I value the results when my sons can tell me about history when a subject comes up. I love when they laugh and tell me I am doing the math wrong. I get pleasantly annoyed when they say, “Don’t you remember when we read that?”

They demonstrate solid knowledge of many subjects through daily tasks and conversations. That is better than any report card.

I Can Do It!!

Cam

I love hearing my sons say that. For too long my sons were hampered with sensory issues and lack of coordination, symptoms of autism. Years of therapy have yielded young men who are capable of doing–doing what they want.

Stu–at the end of the day

Simple things like holding a pencil or crayon or running without falling were difficult or impossible. Now my sons are doing tasks that neuro-typical teens do without thinking twice about it.

This is not to say that my boys don’t have sensory issues. They still do. However, they are not as sensitive. They know how to handle and resolve those issues. That is powerful.

Over the weekend we started painting. Usually, that would be a project that I would tackle alone. This weekend the boys all joined in the fun. They had paint on their hands (tactile zing), in their hair, on their clothes. One even stepped in the paint and lived to tell about it.

It became a family affair. Grandparents, husband, kids, and I. We finished the job that day. The boys cleaned up. They stuck with the job. Incredible!!

God, Family, Work

Via my distant cousin/relative Nick Ball:

Our family is a classic one of hard working immigrants, who got the “American Dream” by putting God, family, work in that order. Then working everyday to make it happen………no one gave our family anything. Everything they got and passed to us, was not luck but hard work.

I wish every history and social studies book in America had that statement engraved in the front pages. Life has no guarantees. No handouts either. Government entitlements can be given. Or taken away.

I tell my sons with autism quite often that they can’t count on federal or state funded programs to be available forever. Budget cuts, bad economies, political polls, etc can determine what becomes important and then switch within seconds. My sons must be able to survive ultimately by their own devices.

So while it’s hard to see them struggle through life’s hardships, it is a necessary lesson. Again, my cousin states the lesson well:

Everyone wants to help their kids. I see no problem in this, but making it easy for them just makes them dependent on Mom & Dad or the government instead of themselves. No one likes to see their kids struggle. But it is in the struggle that the true character of what they learn from home comes into play and benefits them in the long run………..Doing too much for your kids handicaps them in life and since things come easy if given, the incentive to work hard is destroyed……why work? …there is always Mom and Dad or Uncle Sam!

This applies to all kids, so it’s that much harder for our kids with autism to face life, or as my son Nick (not to be confused with cousin Nick) puts it, he has to face the real world.

Thus, the priorities are set: God, family, work.

Teamwork–Getting Along

Nick, Ryan, Cam working on a crossword puzzle

Although the younger boys all have autism, they are extremely different. They have their own strengths and weaknesses, just like everyone else. Together, they create an invincible team.

One of the life skills we have been working on is team work. There is not much in this world that doesn’t require working with someone else. Whether it’s going to the grocery store to buy food or see the doctor in his office, effectively communicating with others is simply a necessity. Hence, teamwork. If my sons can work together to solve a problem or finish a project, they can accomplish whatever they wish!

Not an easy task when teens with autism don’t like to talk. OR when one likes to talk a lot. OR when one wants to talk but can’t quite articulate his idea. Each one of these ideas represents one of my sons.

I don’t let them quit. That is critical. They finish what they start.

It helps when the project is dinner. If they finish, they get to eat!! An empty stomach is a great incentive.

Beach Days Of Christmas

Nick and Cam

The remaining days of the Christmas season our family journeyed to the beach.

In January, the beaches are not crowded, yet the fun remains. The boys run along the coast, and sometimes they swim. Mike and I walk to the local pier, talking about anything and everything. Our family gets a chance to relax and unwind.

Mike

The fog greeted us the first day, but the following days were sunny and brisk. The apparel varied from jeans to shorts, pending if the sun decided to hang out. The guys decided to go whale watching while I enjoyed some quiet time. Then we dared outside dining–complete with heaters.

Nick

We rarely plan the entire trip. We like having down time, and the boys need practice with spontaneity–a difficult concept for teens with autism. So as the whim of an idea catches us, we may do it. Or not. No matter what, the best time is the time on the beach.

Cam

Tumor Is Benign–Again–Yea!

Surgery went well–for the second time. Tumor was benign. Deja vu, but this was no illusion. I will have two scars to prove that fact; they almost make a lightning bolt. The question now is how to move forward.

All my boys are aware of my predicament–trying to reduce stress, and occasionally they try to make life easier, lighter, or happier in some way. For example, we grind our own grain to make our own sourdough bread. I found this smile in the flour, courtesy of Ryan.

I cherish these silly moments!

Good Lord, Really??

Really? I look at the sky as I sigh. This time I say it aloud, “Really?”

Yes, I’m asking the Good Lord if this is what he wants me to face. Like I can really do this. I am not trained in this. I don’t know what I am doing. No map. No guide. No manual.

“This” in the last paragraph could be anything. It could be autism, government agencies, doctors, etc. So many aspects of autism and teenagers emerge, and I have no idea where to even begin.

I don’t like guessing. I’d rather know what needs to be done and just do it. I like to see end results. I also don’t mind if someone else sees the finished product and gives me a “thumbs up”. I will listen to the “thumbs down”, but I prefer the former option.

With autism, there is no finish line. Tis always a work in progress. And these are boys, actually, young men now. Not some project or task. There are no days off. Always going. Always something.

I’ve told some friends that I really think God has mixed me up with someone who can handle this life I lead. I’m just waiting for this person to show up. Anyways, my friends and I laugh. I think we all can feel that way. Some aspects of life are simply bigger than we are, and we don’t have all the answers.

We just keep pluggin’ along. And I ask the Good Lord for guidance.

photo credit: Phillip F Chavez, PhD http://masculinespirituality.com/site/

Smooth Dude

Nick chillin’

Nicholas has had a very busy semester. He’s taking eight classes. The norm is seven. His school day starts at 6am with marching band. He’s taking a full load, which is keeping him busy with homework and band practice. His weekend doesn’t really start until Saturday night because marching competitions occur on Saturdays, sometimes running late til 9 or 10pm.

Today, Nick informed me that he needed some down time. He pointed out how hard he’s been working, citing the proof in his grades and marching band awards. I agreed.

Then Nick gave me that look. He had something specific on his mind.

“Can I spend my downtime at Starbucks?” he asked somewhat shyly, yet with a smirk.

“Yep!” I concurred. I really couldn’t argue.

Nicely played, Nick.

Today’s Gem

My 17 year old son asked me a simple question this morning, “Mom, since I’ve been working so hard this week, could we go get some coffee?” (Do know that, when the boys want to go out, the boys pay their own way.)

Phrased that way, it was difficult to say no. In fact, I agreed. “Let’s go,” I responded.

When we arrived at the coffee shop, Nick was ready to order. He paused, and turned around. He looked at me with a slight hesitation. Then he blurted out, just so I could hear it, “I want to save my money and use yours.”

I started laughing, but I realized we were holding up the line. It was not the moment to discuss anything, which I knew Nick would want to point out his logic. Quickly, we ordered, and I paid for the drinks.

When we sat down, I explained to Nick that yes, he has worked hard this week, as always. However, that does not entitle him to use my money. (Yet, I did pay.) I told him that he will owe me the money when we get home. And yes, he did pay me back, with a silly grin on his face.

It was just a funny moment.

He understands the concept of saving money, but it’s ok to spend Mom’s money instead. Or maybe there is more underlying his creative thought process. Sly. Very sly… In either case, he made my day.

So many people believe that teens with autism don’t think outside the box. Well, they do!